B.F. Skinner says "The statement 'I love my wife'

seems to be a report of feeling, but it also involves a probability of action. We are disposed to do to a person we love, the things he likes or loves to have done. We are not disposed to do to a person we dislike (or especially to a person we hate) the things he likes or loves to have done. With respect to a person with whom we interact, then, to 'love' is to behave in ways having certain kinds of effects, possibly with accompanying conditions which may be felt."

The most satisfactory and stimulating relationships are based on individual dignity. Before discussing that kind of relationship we will look at some others which are very common but far less rewarding.

Personal Attack Relationship.

We had anchored our yacht "Tearangi" off a beautiful island, had rowed ashore and were sitting on a sandy beach. Our lady guest picked up a shell, passed it to my wife saying "Look at this beautiful shell, isn't it lovely." Elaine looked at it, agreed and passed it on to me. Yes, it was unusually beautiful, I said so and passed it on to the husband. He examined the shell and admired it heartily. Then promptly, without stopping a second to find out if his wife wanted it, tossed the shell intu the sea. The tirade which followed was embarass-ing. She accused him of meanness, of always doing things like that to hurt her. He just sat there saying, sorry dear, sorry dear, until the heat died down. The point was that she was making a personality attack. Agreed, he had been thoughtless, but not mean. She had insulted his dignity in front of his friends.

We knew our friends well so later on I pointed out to her what she was doing to her husband. Tears came to her eyes as she listened and then she thanked me for talking to her. She did not realise what she was doing. About two years later at a dinner party she drew me aside and said "Do you remember talking to me on the yacht about not insulting another's dignity." "Yes, I do." "I calked it out with my husband and we decided never to insult each other like that again, and you know, we are much happier than we used to be. Sometimes when I see other couples doing just that, I cringe to think that we used to do the same,"

Our friends understood the simple idea of personal dignity and were able to improve the quality of their lives by applying this one principle.

The Servant Relationship.

We have all heard of married men or women treating their marriage partner as a slave, using each other selfishly. "Do this. Bring me that. I want this, I want that." The excuse usually given with a shrug of the shoulders is "Well I married him didn't I" as if that was any advantage. One is tempted to ask, why did he marry you? We have all heard it jokingly asked, who is the head of your house. Sometimes it is mum, sometimes it is dad, only occasionally is it mum and dad.

There are too many dangers in this kind of household. Individuals are too open to hurt and loss of a sense of personal worth. It becomes a hierarchy of power. For one to win another has to lose. One partner becomes submissive or else competition becomes rivalry. Sometimes the situation turns into a sparring partner relationship. It is a way of getting excitement. Have a row and make it up again. Some state that the making up again is worth the price. Or perhaps one partner just submits, gives up individuality and becomes the servant and shadow of the other.

To gain a full sense of personal dignity for each member of the household, it is wise to change this 'me up, you down' outlook.

Sparring Partners.

One of the things we all need, for all of our lives, is constant stimulation. We perform better in our work situation and the home environment. Many unwisely try to get stimulation by abrasive interaction, criticising, confrontation and teasing each other, constantly telling the other person what to do. They are sparring partners. They are constantly trying to score off each other. They may scoff it off by saying "Oh, that's only fun, he knows I don't mean it. It teaches the children to stand up for themselves."

I have watched families and friendships where the sparring partner outlook is prevalent and have concluded that they do get a kind of stimulation out of it especially when they score. To successfully score, there should be at least some measure of truth in the accusation and it should be aimed to touch a soft spot in the opponent- A 'thick-skinned' person seems to get through without too much damage, but the sensitive gentler personality is hurt and will withdraw. It is a kind of slash and bum tactic which leaves a trail of burnt stumps behind. There are better ways of gaining stimulation.

When we try to gain stimulation by verbal attack at the expense of the partner, we are really rejecting facets of the partner's character. It can develop into a love-hate situation. In moving toward stimulation we play with hateful rejection. There is a strong domination or manipulation wish in this kind of relationship. It is easy to acquire this uneasy love hate relationship, some couples maintain it for years.

The trouble is that in rejecting certain things about the person, the direction can easily increase until we find ourselves rejecting the whole person- The things we like, we tend to move toward, the things we dislike we tend to move away from. It is uncomfortable for us to live in a state of continual rejection, at that stage, what was love and attraction is in danger of becoming indifference.

Pecking Partnership.

When I was a youth I stayed at a poultry farm where there were thousands of incubated chicks. The attendants always removed any newly hatched chick which had the slightest blemish on it. I was told that if they did not do this, each other chicken as it passed, would peck the unusual mark until they had destroyed the blemished chicken.

This analogy applies to married partners. They should stop picking at each other. We should neither do it, nor allow it to be done to us. Every time we pick at the other we do something to hurt our partner, their pride, their sense of dignity, their intelligence or moral sense. Love, communication and mutual understanding can be damaged. Be forthright and direct, yes certainly, do not beat about the bush, I agree, but we do not have to be rude. Love may persist in spite of picking but not because of it. Pecking at the other does provide a kind of stimulation of intensity and excitement. It is an act of experiencing our own feelings at the expense of the other.

Successful Marriage Based on Individual Dignity.

When my wife and I met we had both experienced knocks in life and were wary of marriage and a little cautious. We liked each other tremendously and felt at ease in each other's company. We were two adult thinking people and we wanted to retain our individuality. So we recognised that as two mature persons we did not owe each other anything. Neither was going to be the servant of the other. We wanted to live together because we enjoyed and trusted each other. Right from the start we tried to eliminate all sense of obligation and demand. Of course we did things for each other but not from a sense of obligation, rather as co-operative partners. Indeed that is what we are, two independent partners, walking and working together but each of us has two feet on the ground. Not one being dependent on the other. It is a respect for the personal dignity of the partner.

After years together we still find this works. We continue to be courteous and honest with each other because courtesy and honesty provide the atmosphere for friendship and communication. This outlook does not put any strain on us. There is no holding down of emotions. If any problem arises we listen to each other in an understanding manner and find an acceptable solution. Because we never insult the other's dignity;

trust and loyalty with affection is built up in great measure. It is a comfortable and relaxed situation. As time goes on we build up shared experiences, shared excitements and adventures and also, occasionally, disappointments, so that no longer is it a case of you and me but rather us and our life. When we want a change of scene we are content to go away on our boat for a few days together or with friends. In fact while we often do separate things we prefer to be together especially for relaxation.

It is an attitude, the way of looking at things which gives the partnership solidarity and each of us personal worth without impinging on the other. My wife loves it and so do I.

Stimulation.

In my experience the happiest and most successful households are those that provide a secure and peaceful base where the individual members whether adult or child, can feel totally accepted for himself. Where each is an integral part of a harmonious caring family unit. This does not mean that there is no room for stimulation. Stimulation should be part of the interchange within the family but not at anyone's expense.

Stimulation can be experienced both within and as an adventure out from the secure home base. All the family can enjoy the adventure of the individual. The family will follow with interest and pride the achievements and successes of each member and will usually give support and encouragement to help a member to achieve his objectives.

If as individuals we look only to sources outside ourselves for stimulation, husband, friends, parties, travel, sport, we will get stimulation all right but it will be of a dependent kind. It will wax or wane according to the reactions of others or economic factors. To avoid being totally dependent on outside stimulation we can develop personal sources of stimulation by creative activities. Each person has some personal re' sources and is able to develop interesting individual expressions. Studying, making things, gardening, writing a book, joining a school committee, learning painting or one of many other creative activities. Take up a sport.

When a person does not express himself creatively, there is a tendency to escape ro dead-end activities such as endlessly watching television, hanging around the streets or hotels, drinking with similarly bored people. Using our leisure time in dead-end pursuits is habit forming and leads to a very dull life. Creative activity on the other hand adds an important dimension to the enjoyment of a full life.

It is a fortunate child who is part of a family which is not only mutually caring and protecting of its members but also outward looking, deriving and creating stimulation in the community. Nut the second at the expense of the first but rather as a result of it and as a means of bringing interesting and broadening experiences to the home unit.

The Fact of Individuality.

One of the basic facts of human existence is that while we all follow the same broad path of life, we each have an individual history of experience, individual needs, individual emotions and responses. In other words each has to live his own life and is a separate unit. It therefore follows that we are all different and each is a unique or special person.

There is tremendous value in this difference of experience and interest. It should not be destroyed by trying ro make one partner into the shadow or replica of the other. The differences of personal experience of life can be used to enhance and enrich the relationship of both partners. As J.A. Hadfield says "The differences between the personalities should not be points of contention, they should be points of interest widening the experience."