In Victorian times it was not unsuual for a man to look for a wife entirely without thought of love. His purpose in marrying her was to rear children to carry on his name and provide the socially approved background for himself. Certainly she was not regarded as an equal partner in the adventure of life. In law and in practice he was head of the house and responsible for all within it. He controlled it as he chose, his wife was his property and had promised to obey him. It is only in recent times that our society has recognised that women are independent persons in their own right entitled to form partnerships or their own choice.

My mother used to advised me that when I came to choose a wife I should first choose a mother-in-law, and if I liked what I saw then think about the daughter. My mother argued with considerable logic that I would find that in twenty years time, the daughter would be like her mother. My mother had one other criteria with she urged on me; she would state "On average happy people come from happy homes; Find a wife from a happy home."

Good advice in both instances. There is a challenge to a young man's pride if a pleasant looking young lady says to him "I'm so unhappy at home, my mother is awful, she is always growling at me and is very unloving, please marry me and make me happy." The picture is of a knight in shining armour rescuing a sweet damsel in distress. It seldom works. The sweet damsel may quickly become the awful growling wife just like her mother. This, of course, also works the other way round. Young women should also consider their proposed father-in-law. Of course there are many exceptions to this. Daughters and sons are not the duplicate of their parents. It is the conditioning and habits which they will have been subjected to for years which influence their behaviour.

It has been said that there are three rational reasons a mature person marries. Future stability, to raise a family, and friendship, Of course there are, in fact, very many other reasons people choose a mate, not all good reasons either. The Duke of Windsor, one time King of England, stated that it was Mrs Simpson's voice which attracted him to her, and he gave up a kingdom for her. Some marry a handsome face or a shapely body. Some to secure a mother or because they think they find a father. Some to find a servant. Some to gain financial security.

The important thing is the attitude taken to the relationship. Its later success will depend largely on the tolerance, caring and understanding engendered between the couple. It is a help to start as my mother suggested with a mate from an agreeable background, but there are other factors which have a bearing and should be considered.

I would tike to suggest that it is important to choose a partner who will enhance the kind of life you are interested in, so that you will be able to share each Other's main interest. Therefore young people should fully discuss this expectation. What each expects to get out of life and marriage. A person interested in cultural things such as literature, music or education, should find a partner of similar interests who will be comfortable in the company of the same kind of people. This applies to politics, commerce or sport. Choose someone who can share your main interest with enthusiasm. The best place to find such a person is in that kind of company.

It is sometimes stated that a person should marry the opposite type to themselves. Such a blanket statement is too broad and can mean too many things. Persons of similar interests seem to have a better chance of harmony. However, provided partners genuinely have a co-operating attitude, each difference can be used to mutual advantage- Hadfield put it something like this "In a mature relationship the differences between the personalities are not points of contention they are points of interest, widening the experience."

Each person has his own life to live and absolutely no one can live it for them. It therefore follows that in a way, each of us should be selfish to a high degree when choosing a mate, and set out to satisfy exactly what we want to do in life. Even parents, brothers or girlfriends should not change our inclination to self expression. We are responsible for our own happiness and no one else's, at least until we have children.

If a girl makes a man feel frustrated, humiliated, tense, cut off from communication with other people, belittles him, cuts him down to size or anything like that, be she the best looking girl in town and have money as well, she will not make him a suitable partner. The reason is that she makes personality attacks and no one can do that without restricting the other's personal expression and development causing hurt, resentment and frustration.

The person who is good for you and will make a good mate will allow you to be yourself, and you will reciprocate. She or he will bring out the best qualities in you because he or she will see and like those qualities. There will be no strain in the relationship, no need to pretend or manipulate, to get peace. Both will be constant and not moody. You will be able to relate to other people in whose company you both feel relaxed.

The way your family are likely to judge this relationship is — what is the person doing to you, is he or she enabling you be more outgoing and spontaneous to develop and extend yourself or are you being cut off from wider development, and from family and friends? Is your personality flowing or being restricted?

The following statements are by very able psychologists, and talk about an ideal relationship, which, perhaps, is not often attained.

Gunrrip: "A relationship between two fully mature adult persons is one of equality, mutuality and spontaneity. It contains no element of compulsion, no striving of either for superiority, no element of distrust, or constraint."

MacMurray, talking of mature relationships, says

"They are the relations of persons as persons. They are the means of living a personal life."

Fairburn says about a mature equal partnership "Capacity to give to another a relationship in which his personality can flourish."

Each of these men agrees that the important thing is that I have a mate who allows ME to be ME. It is all a matter of the free development of one's own personality. No mate should coerce me to withdraw or prevent me from widening my own experience. It is a poor relationship which narrows one's experience — it can lead to a very tiring situation where one partner is constantly trying to make the other happy.