There are many expert emotional debt dispensing agencies. It is a technique constantly used by a wide range of people to get what they want. Because they have done something for us in the past, they demand that their needs be satisfied immediately, never mind the inconvenience caused,

Close relatives and particularly parents are, I think, the worst offenders in creating obligatory feelings-They assume that because they feed and clothe them, children are eternally indebted to parents. When asked about it they will say "Of course they owe me something, haven't I saved and slaved for them for years7" Just a minute. "Did you want children?" "Oh, yes." "Then you were prepared to take on the responsibility of providing for them and bringing them up." "Yes but?" —There are no buts, children do not ask to be born, their parents had them for their own pleasure. The responsibility or providing belongs to the parents and not to the child. So parents get off your children's backs. They do not owe you anything.

The parents owe the children dependability and a stable environment, both physical and emotional where the children can develop themselves into mature adult persons. That is what parenthood is all about. It happens that parents who do a fair job in providing the right atmosphere for the child, usually get repaid with affection and loyalty in good measure. This is freely given by the child and should never be demanded. Caring becomes a mutual reciprocal exchange between parent and chiid where both benefit.

Parents often create fantasy expectations of education, of tradition or the preserving of the family name. Some role expectations put heavy emotional burdens on growing children. Because the father has spent many years and much labour in building up a specialised business, he wants his son to take it over from him and run it as well or better than he has himself. Sometimes it will work, if the son has a personal interest in the enterprise, but not very often. Sons are not duplicates of their fathers. They are separate persons and will have separate drives and personal concepts of how to live life.

A child may be proud of his family name and tradition and wish to preserve it, but there is no legal or moral duty on him to be or do anything that he does not really want. Being born in a certain family does not make him a slave to the ambitions of his forebears. He made no contract when he was conceived to fulfill the fantasy expectations of his mother or father. We sometimes laugh at a sign in large letters on the premises of a Sydney merchant. Mario & Son, and in small letters (And Seven Daughters). We wonder what his expectations were. At least he has a sense or humour.

Many people seem to be burdened with a heavy unreal sense of debt or duty to families and friends, particularly to parents. I have met many who would like to be able to walk away from the responsibility if they could do so without feeling guilty. Many do walk away by moving to another city or country or in some other way isolating themselves from potential responsibility. We all hate pressures especially family and neighbour pressures.

Emotional debt can cloud our thinking and result in confused feelings- A mixture of love and hate, of outgoing and withdrawal. Our relationships to society, friends and particularly family is affected. When we feel compelled by duty, obligation or what others expect of us, we find ourselves acting out something we do not want to do. We become divided within ourselves and grudging in our attitude. This is an uncomfortable position ro be in.

I can think, as I am sure you can, of families where the older generation have leaned, pushed and imposed upon their relatives until all love, respect and congeniality have been eroded away. Every time visiting hour arrives, even the children complain. A shadow settles over the time, robbing the whole family of spontaneity and laughter. Sons or daughters-in-law become the most imposed upon because they feel no direct personal obligation. Hence the cruel jokes about mothers-in-law.

On the other hand I have known of families where the grandparents are not only respected and loved but add support, stimulation, caring and cohesion to a large circle of people. They are neither interfering nor complaining. Rather they are listening and caring, spontaneously giving of their love and help wherever possible.

What a difference between these two kinds of relationships. I suggest that it is in the attitude of the people concerned that the difference occurs.

The older people who are demanding a payment of an imagined unending emotional debt are feeding on their relationship. They are asking and often demanding support from their family with little thought of the needs of their family- Is it any wonder that they get a grudging response.

Parents or grandparents who give support and acceptance without thought of reciprocal advantage will receive acceptance and caring in return. Not by right

or measure but spontaneously without thought of emotional debt.

Before the State took over the responsibility of caring for the old, the family did the job of providing for their physical needs. The old, however, also contributed considerably as long as they were able. The physical needs become easier to cope with provided there is no emotional demand.

What attitude should one take to a relative who is demanding of endless emotional support7 Is there, in fact, a personal obligation to the emotional demands and if so how much? We should think very carefully about it. I suggest that obligation could be found to be minimal if there is one at all. The second thing to decide is how much we are prepared to bend to those demands for the sake of wife, husband, family or personal self regard.

Having decided the limit of the support, give to that limit with openness and ungrudging freedom. Setting limits is often difficult. It may require forthrightness and courage to state clearly. One person I know always invites his relatives for a stated period of time. "Can you come to us for a holiday between the second and tenth of next month?" Never for an indefinite period of time. Properly handled, a clearly stated position will lessen the ambivalent sense of emotional debt and uncertainty without loss of social grooming.

I know of a ninety four years old lady who is living in a rest home. She has emphatically demanded over many years that her daughter 'do her duty' and visit her at least three times a week. The daughter herself is a tired old lady of seventy five years. For all that time she has put up with the bullying and haranguing of the mother because she feels it is her duty and for no other reason. You might say "To Hell with that idea of duty" and you would be entitled to say so.

The real stress is in the mind of the daughter, she is still trying to appease and gain parental approval even though she is a grandmother herself. She cannot stand back and look at her problem rationally and make other sensible arrangements. She is still a little girl running to do her mother's bidding.

Old age does create a problem of emotional pressure for families. Unreasonable it might be but it is still hard to deal with- Old people can be afraid and lonely and at the same time try to be brave and independent. Sensible arrangements, however, can usually be made without asking one person to sacrifice life for the other,

The chances are that I also will be an old man some day. How am I going to feel and act? If I have developed the full and harmonious functioning of my whole personality and lived by the concepts of personal dignity and worth, the chances are that I will have a real interest in the world and people about me. I will recognise others as also persons of worth in their own right. I expect to find ways of continuing to be a reciprocating human being where benefits accrue to both sides. In other words because I will have lived for a long time in a sound and healthy emotional state I expect to continue living those concepts for all of life.

The best guarantee for a successful old age is to live now by concepts which ensure the full and harmonious functioning of the whole personality.

How much do we owe our neighbours and the wider circle of society. There is a saying that half the people feel that the world owes them a living and the other half feels that they owe the world a living. Then what do we in fact owe each other.

I have always found that the Bank Manager has a clear idea of owing if I overdraw my account. The law-looks after monetary liabilities very well. But there is no law saying how much emotional debt I owe to society, except the unwritten law of reciprocity. The whole basis of social interaction is reciprocal, a giving and receiving in like value,

I may cut my neighbour's lawn while he is away on holiday. In exchange he will cut mine while I am away on holiday- Should he want to travel for three months each year against my one month, the deal is not on. I shall tell him in a friendly way that he must pay someone else to do his lawn,

Not that any one of us keeps a ledger account of favours given or received. By and large, however, we do keep to reciprocal favours of like value. We each react unfavourably to someone who is always on the scrounge, be he neighbour, friend or relative. It is all a matter of how much we create or accept pressures beyond social interchange normalities.

Gifts:

Gifts often create emotional difficulties and even stress in an effort to balance values. They can be used by a calculating person to establish emotional debt. Husbands, wives and parents sometimes try to buy affection with gifts. There is a fine difference between a socially lubricating gift, an expression of goodwill, and a speculative or blackmail gift for which some reward is hoped. A gift, to be truly so, should pass from the giver to the receiver at no price. We give such gifts to our friends to celebrate special occasions such as weddings. A giving of gifts does not consititute an exception to the fact that none of us ever does anything for nothing. Gifts become social lubricants which return their value in other ways.

There are two kinds of gifts — conditional and unconditional, The first is only a partial gift because the giver wants something in return. It can be a very minor return, such as a parent giving a child a bicycle provided he never leaves it on the lawn. Something is expected in return, so the gift may therefore be refused because the conditions are unacceptable.

For health reasons I once gave one of my boys a note stating that if he did not smoke before a certain age he could redeem the note for a certain amount of money. He kept the bargain and we both benefited — a conditional agreement.

An unconditional gift is presented without prior acceptance. It becomes the exclusive property of the receiver who may do what he likes with it. What concerns us here is the attitude of the giver to the gift, and huw it can affect our sense of emotional debt and influence our feelings to our friends. We tend to put our name indelibly on a gift and ask for recognition. We tend to never quite let it go.

I have found that I can eliminate that sense of emotional debt if I give away that attachment and recognise that I have no more right or hold over the gift. Once the gift is given I recognise that the receiver can do what he likes with it without hurting my feelings, If I give Aunt Mary a pot plant and explain to her that it is an indoor variety and she chooses to try to grow it outside, I should not complain. It was her property to do what she likes with. If her experiment fails she also should not feel an emotional debt to me.

Promises:

Promises become outstanding emotional debts. Whether they are conditional or unconditional, they become powerful levers of persuasion. Often they are extracted under some form of duress from child, husband or friend. Used too often, they distract from the quality and spontaneity of life, helping to put a barrier between friends. I think it is better to avoid promises, business transactions excepted. I very seldom make one and never demand one from others.

Attitudes are the most important. They affect our relationship with others and determine our sense of emotional debt. We can decide what attitude is best in our personal situation and the degree of compliance we are willing to make.

I like to live without emotional debt. I refuse to accept it, but also do not impose emotional debt on others. I find life more spontaneous and free when I am not weighed down by debt. I have rejected the idea and do not feel that the world, including my wife, children or grandchildren owe me anything- I have also rejected the idea that, with the exception of young children, I owe the world anything. But I do acknowledge and depend on the law of reciprocity. I know that the love I have for my family and friends will be returned in good measure.