"A person feels guilty only when he behaves or tends to behave in a punishable way." B.F. Skinner.

Regret and guilt are two very different attitudes we

may experience in dealing with a similar situation, Regret is the acknowledgement with sorrow of a missed opportunity, faulty judgement or misguided act. Guilt is a placing of responsibility for an act with a liability of punishment.

I suppose a house burglar breaks into other peoples' houses because he thinks it is the best way to earn a living. We lie because we feel it is the best way to protect something. We angrily smack a child because our emotions tell us it is the quickest way of dealing with the problem and of getting our own way- We are unlikely to approve of these things, especially if we are the victims but we can see logic behind the deed. It may be anti-social or misguided but the fact remains that each act we do is committed with some form of reasoning behind it- Some hypothesis of cause and effect, or some other emotion we may hardly understand.

In other words we did what we had to do according to our understanding, or the thing we were driven to do by fear, training, expediency or whatever. Later and sometimes almost immediately we may come to regret our actions and realise that it was not the wise or decent thing to do. Then we start to blame ourselves and feel guilty.

A boy feels guilty if he steals fruit off a neighbour's tree, but only as long as there is a possibility of being found out. Then is he really feeling guilty or is it a fear of punishment? Some guilts such as traffic offences are much the same and are quickly dealt with. Sure, we may feel guilty of speeding or illegal parking, but as soon as we are around the comer and no longer can be . detected, it is easy to forget the whole incident.

Guilts Related to Others:

There are two kinds of guilt, one the result of hasty or harsh acts perpetrated on someone else. We become guilty of wrongly accusing another, perhaps even being slightly dishonest or unfair. Fortunately these errors can be repaired fairly easily, usually by saying sorry to the person concerned. They are social judgement errors we are all inclined to make from time to time. Society allows for these errors and is forgiving upon the acknowledgement of regret." Experience teaches us how to keep these transactional guilts to a minimum. Practice can help us to lessen their abrasive dischord.

Self Directed Guilts:

The second classification is much deeper and is more damaging. Guilts which we accept but cannot repair by apology. The principle accuser is now oneself- No longer can we parry the attack directed at our misjudgement or errors, and re-establish social acceptance. This time the accuser has moved in where he cannot be assuaged or ignored. We have turned our own accusing finger in upon ourselves. We find a mother saying "If I had been more attentive my little boy would not have become ill, so it is all my fault that he had to go to hospital." "If I could remember to write my mother a letter each day, she would not complain so much, so it is my fault she is not more happy." "If I had been a better mother, my children would have been different," So it goes on and on, "If only I was this or that, If only, If only! It's all my fault! I am to blame, so you see I don't like myself very much do I?" In others words "I am bad and deserve to be punished and perhaps being punished could even make me feel better."

Guilt is trained into us while we are still very young-Different societies feel guilty for totally different social acts. In our New Zealand society in my generation rhumb sucking by infants used to be regarded with utter horror by parents as an undignified, unhealthy and belittling habit. Probably due at least in part to child care organisations. Many adults still remember the threats and hysterics confronting them as small children if they dared to put a thumb into their mouths,

An adult said to me recently "there was such an unbelievable panic and threatening hysteria every time I put my thumb into my mouth that I felt guilty and tried to stop sucking it. What I was afraid of was the terrorising effect of my parents' excited voices. They, in turn, seemed to be terrorised by the fear of social disapproval. I therefore started to modify my behaviour, not because I no longer wanted to suck my thumb, bur to shut off the frightening experience of their reactions.

Trouble is that I am still trying, after all these years to placate them. Not for the same thing, but for the same reasons, to shut off their panic disapproval of my actions. So I have built up a pattern of behaviour which is false and does not spring from my own deeper desires."

The bedfellow of guilt is a fear of disapproval or rejection. Guilt is a debilitating experience because it uses up energy in being alert to the possibility of being found out. Instead of concentrating on what is ahead we find ourselves looking back over our shoulder. Once we have developed the habit of guilt fear, we do not lose it when we grow up. We transfer it to our friends, neighbours and even our partner and chil-dren-

The purpose of guilt is to find someone to punish. We punish ourselves when we accept guilt to ourselves. The trouble is that many go on year after year continually punishing themselves and never squaring the account. Guilt generates a self disesteeming or deprecating feeling which can be very uncomfortable. It is a futile habit and nothing is gained at all by carrying on this endless punishment!

On occasions, through ignorance or haste I failed to provide my own children with the understanding and support they needed. Perhaps they could have benefited had I not been distracted by work and other pressures. Should I then feel guilty? No! I did what I had to do at the time according to my current understanding. The opportunity is now past and gone. I cannot do anything about my former errors except to give away the sense of morbid guilt. I can then continue to cultivate a caring attitude towards them and their families.

Guilt is often an irrational pattern of fear responses taught to us in childhood- Just as society accepts the apology and withdraws the blame from those who say sorry, so I have learned to do Just that. To withdraw blame from myself.