The story I am going to tell you now is not a private story of any one couple, but of thousands of couples up and down the land. They all live in discord. The bones of contention may be different and of varying intensities but the reasons behind their contentions are exactly the same.

Bill and Betty said they had married because they liked each other, enjoyed each others company, had an exciting sex relationship and wanted to make it permanent. They had not been married long before the relationship subtlety started to change to one of demand. Betty was saying "Bill dear, it would be nice to own a home of our own, could you try for a foreman's job?" Later it was "Bill, when are you going to ask for a rise?" then some days or weeks later "For God's sake Bill, we can't live on what we earn; when are you going to earn more money?"

So Bill would reply "Well if you would not spend so much on your back, we could manage to save much better," Betty would reply "Don't you want me Co look nice? Would you like me to be dowdy? Anyway you always have a few beers before you come home."

After two years of contentious married life the relationship is in serious difficulties. Betty is now talking to her friends "If Bill would only stop drinking we could get somewhere. He comes home half drunk, turns up the radio, demands his dinner and more beer and ends up half the time falling asleep drunk. We don't have much of a sex life any more and we have no money to make changes."

Out with the boys Bill is saying, "Hell! I'm fed up to here, what does she want? I give her most of my money of which she spends a large proportion on her own back to make herself look sexy, Of course I drink, how else can I cope with her constant nagging. As for sex. we don't have much real communication any more."

Too simple? Of course it is. There have been thousands of intolerant, hot and demanding words fired between them before they reached such unhappiness. The next stage is no communication at all. There are many couples who actually live together without talking to each other, sometimes for years.

What has happened to this attractive couple, apparently suitably matched for marriage. How can it be that within two years their marriage has declined into a dead end, bickering, intolerant and demanding affair. One word only is enough to describe their problem and the like problems of thousands of other couples, and that word is DEMAND. Each one demanding that the other change. Each one is saying "I am O.K. it is you who must change," each one is really saying "I want you to do this or that, so that I can live my life as I want, I want you to be a servant to my ambitions." Each one wants to act God to the other.

If couples could eliminate this God-like demand that the other do or be something different, the majority of family quarrels would not even occur. We would have much less need for family guidance clinics, less drunkenness, our children would be more secure and make better parents themselves, and many other benefits would accrue. We were brought up in a world of constant demand.

Many of us were conditioned with a "do this or else" doctrine. History way back has shown our civilization to be ruthless and driving. The dictates of the conqueror were forced on to the conquered. It is not very long ago since women were under the absolute authority of their husbands- Wives used to take on the ambitions of the husband and subjugate their own interests to his. We have been suckled on the concept of compulsion and demand. Neighbor demands, society demands, family demands, work demands- We have become so used to demand concepts that we find ourselves following without thinking much about it. So many authorities, each playing God to someone else.

Earlier we saw how our culture is changing rapidly toward individual expression and personal rights. No longer is a wife willing to be a chattel and obedient to her husband. She now rightly demands equality and personal dignity. Each individual, man or woman, has a personal life and is personally responsible to himself or herself.

We cannot turn back the cultural movement, we cannot legally or decently put back the clock. Indeed we would not want to move it back. The new and better concept is of individual worth, individual well being and expression. Each person has only one life to live with individual dignity and personal satisfaction.

Some years ago we spent a weekend on our yacht at a beautiful island some thirty miles north of our home. We were on our way back with a good following wind when we noticed that one of our friends was sailing the same route- The-first thing I said was "Let's give him a race home." I rushed below and brought out a spinnaker (a sail on this occasion of about eight hundred square feet which we could carry instead of the smaller

head sails). So up went our red and yellow spinnaker but instead of filling nicely with the wind, it twisted first one way and then the other around the wire fore-stay- I could not get it up, I could not get it down. My wife says she had never seen me in such a rage. She says! I was jumping up and down on the foredeck. She says! I was shouting unprintable words. She says! I was, of course, blaming her for not steering more promptly in the direction I had demanded.

Well! Well! Demand was getting out of control. We dropped the anchor behind another small island and I went up in the bosun's chair and finally untangled the sail. We had a cup of coffee and a good laugh at ourselves, lifted the anchor, and reset the spinnaker for a very pleasant sail home- Our friend also had been laughing all the way home and of course, arrived before us. For a long time afterwards he loved to tease me about our race which never was.

Yes, sometimes situations do arise where we can get very tense and demanding. If we can recognise the humour of the situation and laugh at ourselves no scar is left to rankle or sour our feelings or relationships.

Can I live my life without demanding the compliance of my partner or friends to my own fickle will. Yes, largely I can, by recognising that my partner also has a life to live, a personal life with personal aims. Neither has to give up aims. We consider each other and co-operate as partners. It is like two cigarettes standing on end side by side. They can both stand up very well, but if one of them leans on the other they both fall down. We have found that we can live successfully as two unique and separate persons, each doing what he or she wants to do, sharing and enjoying each other's growth and experiences of life- I am not her God, she rightly would refuse to allow me to be. What works one way, works equally the other way.

Can any of us expect a society free of demand? Certainly not in the present social climate. We can recognise, however, that every person has similar primitive drives to our own and we can recognise him as a person of worth. He also has self preservation drives and he is an egocentric person with a willingness to trade friendship and social graces reciprocally. He is also a socially inclined person capable of giving and receiving caring.

The cultural concept of the importance of the individual is exciting in its potential power to stimulate and beautify emotional growth and harmony in those who practice it.

Demand for Perfection

Education used to have and perhaps still has as its object the dissemination of knowledge. Unfortunately it has often become equated with the idea of a ladder to power and privilege over others. A good job, more prestige, a doctorate. There has intruded into the col' leges a strong competitive element of success by comparison. A need to become better than others. So great is this drive to excel, that each year numbers of students collapse under the strain and some even commit suicide. Teachers will tell us that you can remove competition provided students want to learn but how else can you teach those who only want to play?

A tremendous demand for perfection runs through industry as well as education. It even comes into our homes and family life- Many become stuck with the idea that unless they can become better than others, they are no good at all and many even regard themselves as worthless.

Life is not really like that at all. I am living in a body with five senses, I am a person similar to each other person. No other person can do my breathing or appreciate life for me. No one can do my enjoying of a sunset or my feeling of pleasure of the sunshine and wind on my skin. No one else can feel my own pleasure of eating or copulating. They are my own experiences and comparisons do not matter. Others, by assumption, may intellectually quantitate my experience. But my experiences are my own and intimate to me only- I do not listen to a song bird and question myself as to whether I am hearing it as perfectly as my neighbour. I do not go for a swim wondering if the man next to me is feeling as much pleasure as I am feeling. I do not compare at all, I just enjoy the experience for myself.

I do not have to worry and waste time looking over my shoulder to compare myself with others. Life is exciting and pleasurable. We are more likely to succeed in the home if we give away odious comparisons of perfection and just enjoy the creativity and flow of life's experiences.

Demand for Justice

New Zealand inherited the British court system, which I was taught in school was the most perfect justice system in the world! Yet the British system has hanged innocent people and undoubtedly let some off who were guilty. Our Prime Minister has recently announced the full pardon of a man who was serving a life sentence for double murder- In trials, retrials and courts of appeal he has been convicted and reconvicted of murders for which he had never conclusively been proved guilty. Was he a murderer? It is doubtful, so doubtful in fact that finally public disquiet demanded action to be taken. Even courts specially set up to find the truth make serious errors.

When we demand fairness or perfect justice we are asking chat other people or events smooth a path for us. Perfect justice or fairness is a delusion. We only upset ourselves to no purpose if we expect it or place dependence on it. Sure we aim toward it as an ideal and support any move which is likeiy to encourage fair play. We would be unrealistic if we did not recognise that perfect justice is a long, long way off.

Domination or acting God to another is a hard habit to give away hut gets easier with practice. We gain in many ways by giving away the God habit. Most domineering people want to do most of the talking. I suggest they can start changing the habit by practicing listening, and I mean really listening to the other, not just keeping quiet while they think up the next salvo.

I remember my mother being greatly amused after the visiting preacher and my father had been sitting in front of the open fire for several hours one winters evening. During the tea break while my father was out of the room, the visitor whispered to mother that he had not enjoyed a better conversation for months, that her husband was a very interesting man indeed. The joke was that my father had hardly spoken a word all night. He was a good listener.

Being a good listener is an art which not only wins friends and influences people. It is one of the indications of emotional security or lack of anxiety.

Listening instead of jumping in with our own ideas widens our understanding of others. We even could be urprised to learn new concepts, and certainly we would be easier to live with. The world is more exciting when we can listen to other points of view without feeling obliged to counter them with our own.