I know a young man, Mr B., who was made a department manager in a factory. He had been made manager of his section because, among other things, he always arrived on time, understood the manufacturing process properly, was a good steady worker and never argued with the boss. He showed all the appearances of a conscientious and reliable man, which indeed he was. But his feelings of inadequacy and tension ac the thought of dealing with people and making decisions, were so great that he started to wake up each morning with a headache and would vomit before going to work.

He could have gone to a doctor and been prescribed some drugs to calm him down until he got used to the new position. That would have stopped the sickness, but it would not have cured his basic insecurity. Drugs could not have found or cured the cause of his anxiety.

He was the first child of a middle class family whose parents placed very unreal competitive demands upon him. They wanted him to be always first, or better or brighter than anyone else of his age- He could not be what they wanted him to be, so he felt that he had failed them. In subtle ways, they expressed their disappointment. They seemed to be ashamed of him and quietly angry at him. This he felt as rejection, because he was not bright enough for them. Later they started calling him stupid — "Wake up stupid." "Don't be silly," "Can't you do better than that" — and every time it hurt and hurt.

Shortly after starting school this timid lad failed to understand what the teacher was explaining to the class. He naturally thought "I can't understand, I must be stupid." So tension and fear made him withdraw from the problem. Instead of drawing attention to himself by asking for help, he withdrew into silence. Before he was eight years old he was repeatedly withdrawing from problem solving and was feigning sickness to stay away from school. He was very good with his hands and liked drawing and making things, but he hated reading, writing and arithmetic-

At home the pressure came off somewhat as other children arrived. He discovered that by being as unobtrusive as possible and keeping a low profile by creating as few disturbances as possible, he could mostly get by. There persisted, however, this lurking deep down fear "I'm not very clever and I don't want them to bring it to notice. If I was not so stupid they would like me better."

When he started work, he showed his natural aptitude and dexterity for the work in hand. His ability to operate without making disturbances was noted and rewarded by promotion. Then why was he sick each morning? I will tell you. Because of this lurking fear "They might find out that I am really stupid and that I could not bear."

How can this young man be helped? We can argue until we are blue in the face that he is not stupid- He has proved that he is not- But he will continue to feel that he is. By trying to convince him that he is not stupid, we would be putting him back on the treadmill of the kind of competition which had caused the diffi culty in the first place. He would still be anxious and insecure. You might think that if he could have enough courage and look at his fear and listen to his own inner feelings, he might first realise that the problem was his fear and not his brain, and if his courage held out enough, he might realise that he had an aptitude and dexterity of which he was certain. Then, perhaps, he could conclude that he knew his job and could cope with the position and wham! — the awareness could hit him. "Hell! who started all this irrational business about quantity of brain; I don't have to be any one else, I'm just me and I like being me."

But it does not happen so quickly. There is no sudden three step, two hour cure of a lifetime of self disesteem that I know of. Fear is a gut thing, it cannot be switched off at such short notice. Our Mr B. says "I know it is irrational, and I can prove that I am not stupid, but I still feel it, and I'm still afraid."

Mr B. was already fixed in his non-acceptance of himself, long before he went to school. He already doubted his own mental capacity. His picture of his 'ideal self would be of one who was alert enough at all times so that his parents would be proud of him. They would not feel like calling him stupid and would not therefore need to reject him. He longed to he accepted and liked unconditionally, but how could they like him when he could not satisfy their ideas of what he should be.

School was a strain, and confirmed his opinion of himself. He felt tense and frightened of exposing what he felt was his weakness. He loved doing things with his hands, and was good at drawing and building things, but he froze inside when it came to figures and reading because he did not feel quick enough. Anyway the teacher was busy with too many children in the class. He did not want to ask his mother as she always downgraded him and told him to wake up if she thought he was at all slow in understanding. He feared she would bully him.

So he did nothing and tried to evade the problem. This happened over and over again until it became a habit. Fear of confirming the accusations that he was stupid. Fear of reviving the hurt, humiliation and hopelessness he had so often experienced when his parents had downgraded him.

It was a hard struggle before Mr B. could finally say, "I don't have to be anyone else, I'm just me and I like being me." What he is saying now is "I am a person in my own right, without reference to anyone else". He has separated himself from the power of the opinion of others and sees himself as 'a man alone in the universe' standing on his own two feet in his own right, without need of approval support. He has got there by giving away the competitive ideas of his early training and by accepting himself as he is- In the end it became a step of faith. Faith in himself. Faith supported by fact. He still needs social grooming to touch and be touched by society, but he is willing to get it on a fair reciprocal basis. He is now a confident and relaxed man who displays considerable ability and an understanding of his- fellow man.

Dr. A. Lazarus in 'Clinical Behaviour Therapy' says "Modification of a person's thinking must precede attempts to modify behaviour or no change will occur." To Dr. Albert Ellis "thoughts and feelings are the opposite sides of a single coin and invariably go together. Feelings can generate inappropriate ideas, but inappropriate ideas can also generate unpleasant feelings."

My next story concerns a person who was brought up in what was considered to be a good home. She had received a good education and outwardly was an attractive woman. I am quoting from a long transcript written by this lady. With her permission I have divided it into two parts — before and after self acceptance. She says:

"At thirty I was miserable and depressed; I was unable to express an opinion; I could not move or dance, or walk freely; I was frustrated and unfulfilled and was unable to find an outlet anywhere for my feelings or abilities. ... I spent a great deal of time crying and wondering what was wrong with me and why nobody loved me. ... I had suppressed feelings to such an extent that I was nearly numb, but with an overwhelming fear of pain . . . The prospect of living in this state for another forty years was not very inviting…”

And after self acceptance ". . . The end product of this continual process of thought is very obvious to all who knew me before and afterwards ... I have become a relaxed and happy personality, my skin is clear and healthy, my eyes are alert. I am now aware of my considerable intelligence and ability. I can walk and dance freely. I can hear clearly and can speak without fear and can discuss freely any subject on which I have some knowledge and most important, I have lost the devastating sense of fear and feeling of impending doom - , . My physical, mental and emotional qualities are now working together in harmony and without conflict. This is the state in which I should have lived since I was born ... It was a frightening thing to throw out all that one had formerly believed in and for a while there was a big gap. Gradually the gap began to fill with reality and I began to find that what was left was me. Me on my own, my own acceptance of myself as I am, a woman."

Such a success story is rewarding to all concerned. I can vouch for its truth. It is now over ten years since the young lady wrote her experiences; she has continued to enjoy a satisfying life.

You will notice that she calls it "a continuing process of thought." Later she says that it was "a frightening thing to throw out all that one had formerly believed in." Because it is important, I want to repeat Dr. H. Gunrrip's statement "The 'true self has been hidden, practically for a lifetime, behind a 'false self constructed on che basis of compliances to the demands and expectations of the outer world. The real dynamic potential of the person does not operate in the 'fa!se self." Hence the need to discard the unreal concepts supplied by other people, to throw them out of our boat one by one.

Think of a child who, all his early life. did not feel he could please his family. Rightly or wrongly, he feels that they were always finding fault with him. Deep down he wants their approval very badly. Approval becomes very important to him. He is likely to go right through life driven by this same need for approval. It would be impossible for him to say like the young lady "me on my own ... my own acceptance of myself as I am." Before he could do that he would have to be prepared to give away, to throw out, the frantic search for parental approval. The demands and expectations of the outer world which Gunrrip talks about have to be rejected. It is only after we reject the false that the reality can fill the gap.

Before I was born my parents had become deeply involved in one of the more narrow, dogmatic Christian religions. Life to them was a very grim conflict between good and evil. Except that their definition of good was strictly confined to their religious dogma and evil was anything which could not be reconciled with it. Even other Christian viewpoints were considered Co be lies of the Devil to distract people from the truth. While if was recognised that people who belonged to other churches were sincere, they were suspect and not considered usually to be 'brothers or sisters in the Lord', and, therefore, were thought to be 'lost'.

Hanging on the wall of our living room was a piece of wood, indelibly poker-worked with these words, "God is the head of this house, the unseen guest at every meal, the silent listener to every conversation." Grace was said aloud at every meal even if we dined out at a restaurant. Bible reading and family prayers were a daily rule. Each member of the family from an early age was expected to get down on his knees and pray audibly in rotation with the others.

When I was about three-and-a-half years old my father sold up his farm and devoted his full time to his religion. He called it "serving the Lord." Our home became a centre of religious activity. Morning, noon or night, there seemed to be a continuous stream of highly charged religious people and religious talk of prayer meetings and Bible readings and the Lord's will.

My brother and I were taught that the world outside our small religious circle was untrustworthy, bad and destined for destruction. We were God's special people who had to proclaim the way of salvation to the world. We would be saved if we trusted in the Lord but the rest of the world would be destroyed.

My mother was a good and loyal wife, hard working and efficient. She was in love and proud of her man. In most ways, like my father, she was a good and warm hearted parent. I am sure she was unaware that in interpreting her Bible literally she was placing tremendous stress on her boys. She was the family law giver and threatened us with God's disapproval. She said that God was everywhere, saw everything we did and knew everything we said or even thought. She talked about sin and pleasing a God who demanded perfection.

The result was that I got the feeling that her love for us was conditional upon God's approval of us. God. like a policeman was always waiting to pounce on us. She also told us that God was love and good and just, but somehow that did not come through as strongly. The sobering, inflexible righteousness of God impressed me much more and seemed to give a lie to His love and goodness. God was a very sobering person and my mother appeared to be afraid of Him and anxious to please Him. She said that she loved God best of all, so for me to displease God was to lose my mother's love.

Many years later I took one of those religious books and ceremoniously burned it, tearing out handfuls of pages and dropping them into the fire. I vowed I would never again be inflicted with its withering doctrine. I had found religion a divisive force inhibiting and distorting the natural and wholesome drives with which I was born Sometimes it is only after we have put down a weight and have heaved a sigh of relief that we realise how heavy it was. I had been sincere in trying to live my parent's religion. Perhaps that is why it took many years to free myself.

Before I could get rid of the 'false self, before I could accept my own self as I am, without measurement by, or reference to anyone else's standards, I had to discard

my father's narrow religion, and in so doing, the need for my parents' approval. I had been taught all my life chat rightness was acquired through religion, that it was the only thing which made it possible to be acceptable to God. That love, goodness and truth were Christian qualities originated by Christ. Now I was discarding all their ideas and accepting only the worth and quality of myself as a standard to live by. No more facade, no more complying with other standards, I would stand on my own feet as a person of worth and be myself.

Now that I was free of those imposed standards of others, how would I react7 Would I run amok? Would I go berserk in an orgy of lust and greed? What beastly passion would drive me now? But I discovered that there is no beast in man, there is only man in man. We are social animals and as such, do not want to act unsociably. Anti-social feelings arise from disharmony, anger and frustration with society and cannot simultaneously exist with the new concept of oneself as a separate person of worth within that society. I discovered that the real me was totally dependable, that deep down we are socially responsible creatures-

Instead of the old imposed values, new inner values appeared- As expressed by the story of the young lady, the gap slowly filled with reality. So I found that instead of the imposed values which were external, I built real internal values of my own, I was myself, of my own accord, a tolerant, caring, loving person and did not need a dogma to make me so.

I did not want to distract from the new beautiful harmony I was experiencing. For me it was like going through a door into a new world of sunshine where I had significance and individual value. It did not happen on a certain hour of a particular day. The awareness had been building up in me for some time. I just knew that I had arrived. I had got down to the real me, and was pleased with what I had found. I no longer had an 'ideal self way up there — somewhere unattainable and separate. I was a whole personality in harmony and at peace within myself. I felt clean and excited at the prospect of experiencing life in all its moods.

My new attitude to life was to reject all that was not of myself and accept all that was of me, without conditions or measurements by outside demands and expectations. To become myself and trust myself to relax into being and enjoying myself as a person of worth, to accept new ideas and continually develop and experience change. To respect myself and my fellow men.

My experience was personal. It was unique to me, yet it was the same experience as told by the young lady, Mr B. and thousands more. There are many to whom religion is not felt as a barrier to personal development. Many others have had no religious training at all, yet, like me, they also need to reject all that is not of themselves, to relax and accept themselves as persons of worth.

The rewards of this concept are tremendous. It is like laying a strong foundation on which to build a secure edifice. It is a foundation to personal and social enjoyment.

INTERIM SUMMARY

Part I.

We talked about this one life each one of us must

live alone. We learned that new concepts can change attitudes to life and even old habits. That these concepts can bring new contentment and enjoyment of life- We took time to look briefly at the development of several psychological schools of thought and finally we looked at our changing culture and how it affects our living as individuals.

Part 2.

We set out to establish some of the basic emotional

ingredients of the human animal. We established five

basic facts.

Fact I: I was bom with a ruthless will to live which gives me the right to the concept of self preservation. Everybody has the same right as myself.

Fact 2: I am an egocentric person with interests of self gain and self determination. Fact 3: My humanness benefits by acts of equal reciprocation with other humans, by having op' portunity to negotiate.

Fact 4: I am a socially inclined animal capable of social awareness, loving and receiving love. Fact 5: I am a unique and separate dignity in my own right, each person is also a unique dignity.

Part 3: We talked about a willingness to adopt new attitudes of change toward a better life, about self actualising or becoming a fully functioning person, each in his own right. We talked about the false facade we build about our real selves, about the "true self which is hidden, sometimes for a lifetime, behind the "false self". We saw how each person is a dignity in his own right who needs to feel a sense of personal worth.