"As a man thinketh in his heart so is he." Prov. 23.6.

In the previous section we talked about the human basic elements which we have in common with all other persons of all races. Part three is concerned with the conscious identity of our subject matter; you and me. We discuss the very core of emotional harmony or disharmony; our own attitude toward ourselves.

I was managing director and halt" owner of" a busy printing works. I owned my own home, was a church elder, had a wife and four healthy children. All the outward signs of a successful man. But I knew and my family knew that all was not well. Dependence on a Christian dogma, a growing business and friends, do not make a mature and happy man.

Deep down I knew that this was not what it was meant to he- I was capable of experiencing much more quality of living. Somehow I was acting a lie, the real me was lost under the charade- Who was this busy me really' ! had to find out. I had only one life and it was quickly slipping hy. So I decided to do something about it and began the long and sometimes painful climb to the finding and understanding of the real me. The real person beneath the apparent one. Gradually understanding came, developing into satisfaction and enjoyment and the unification of my whole life. I had succeeded to a degree beyond my

expectations. What I now have is not a paranoiac state of insulating fantasy to protect against the stresses of life. What I have found is a realistic down to earth experience. As a result I am able to enjoy the tides of life in all their variety.

My concept of the real self is neither mystical nor static. Rather it is an awareness of the basic self as a growing flexible individual, free of the false facade of imposed restrictions.

The following two paragraphs are by Dr. C. Rogers. who was head of psychotherapy research, University of Wisconsin. "In my work at the counselling centre of the University of Chicago I have the opportunity of working with people who present a wide variety of personal problems. There is the student concerned about failing in college, the housewife disturbed about her marriage, the individual who feels he is teetering on the edge of complete breakdown or psychosis; the responsible professional man who spends much of his time in sexual fantasies and functions inefficiently in his work; the brilliant student, at the top of his class, who is paralysed by the conviction that he is hopelessly and helplessly inadequate; the parent who is distressed by his child's behaviour; the popular girl who finds herself unaccountably overtaken by sharp spells of black depression; the woman who fears that life and love are passing her by and that her good graduate record is a poor recompense; the man who has become convinced that powerful or sinister forces are plotting against him; I could go on and on with the many different and unique problems which people bring to us. They run the gamut of life's experiences. Yet there is no satisfaction in giving this type of catalogue, for as a counsellor, I know that the problems as stated in the first interview will not be the problems as seen in the second or third hour, and by the tenth interview it will be a still different problem or series of problems.

"I have, however, come to believe that in spite of this bewildering horizontal multiplicity, and the layer upon layer of vertical complexity, there is perhaps only one problem. As I follow the experiences of many clients in the therapeutic relationship which we endeavour to create for them, it seems to me chat each one is raising the same question. Below the level of the problem situation about which the individual is complaining, behind the trouble with studies, or wife, or employer, or with his own uncontrollable or bizarre behaviour, or with his frightening feelings, lies one central search. It seems to me that at bottom, each person is asking, Who am I really? How can I get in touch with this real self, underlying all my surface behaviour- How can I become myself?"

Here in New Zealand, a third of rhe way around the world from where Dr. Rogers lives, people are jusr the same. They also say "I don't know who I really am anymore." The finding of one's own identity and helping others to find theirs is I believe the main purpose of psycho pathology.

There is little to be gained in trying tu force another into a set pattern of behaviour by repressive means, no purpose in adding another restriction or rule. That would be tike saying to someone who was struggling to hold down a large number of springs at the one time — "Here are some more springs to hold down, you'll be much better if you hold down these springs at the same time." What the stressed person needs is not more springs to hold down, but fewer.

Our purpose is to get rid of the blockages and difficulties which are preventing the free flow of life's enjoyment not to add to them. We need to throw out of our boat more than we take on board.

I hope we can discover how to recognise our personal worth, a dignity in its own right. I am convinced that the discovery will liberate and strengthen and bring freedom and mobility of action. When we remove the blockages, contradictions and tensions, we have a personality which is essentially positive, noble and social. It can be trusted and enjoyed.

We are, with few exceptions, born a whole personality, a complete unit with all the potentialities of a fully functioning adult. Each of us is a universe, complete within himself with built-in tendencies and response mechanisms. We are each born with a dominant self interest, but also, we are social beings with social inclinations. This whole person I like to call a dignity.

Each new child is a new individual dignity. He is born with his dignity already developed (as any mother can tell). He has to learn how to adapt to the world he finds about him, but he is already a fully developed dignity in his own right.

Throughout life there is a continuing unconscious drive to maintain this wholeness. It happens physically, when we accidentally cut ourselves, nature takes care of itself and heals itself. Just as in nature the body heals itself, so psychologically when disharmony occurs, we try to make it whole again by some form of adjustment. We may withdraw and hide our hurt or we may compensate and even overcompensate in some

other way. By adjustment we are trying to preserve our dignity as a co-ordinated whole structure.

Our society does not allow a child to maintain his dignity without challenge. Very quickly all children come under assault- They become subjected to outside influences and pressures. First from within the family and later with persistent regularity from the world at large. Their dignity is insulted by distrust, by accusations of meanness, being dirty, stupid, cunning and many other things- Perhaps the worst insult a child can receive to his dignity is when he is made to feel unacceptable or unloved for himself-

Of course, no child can go through life without being the subject of pressure. It would not be good for him if it were possible. He soon learns to raise defences in his own protection. But there are different kinds of assaults; most he can deal with, but not all. Certain

ones he will find damaging to his evaluation of himself as a person of worth.

To develop as a fully functioning adult, every child needs to receive what Dr. Rogers calls "Positive personal regard" from his parents- And it has to be given genuinely. We express ourselves by words but words are not enough. A child looks past rhe words to the

face and sound of the speaker and is indeed very perceptive.

As life goes on and the child has become adult he has learned to somewhat counter the conditioning he has been subjected to, although he can never completely eradicate it. He builds up a private world of" persona! experiences which include adjustments he has made to ease the hurl sustained. Sometimes he has had to build substitutes for the love he has not received. He has developed angers and fears which he has pushed down and repressed and may even have

forgotten.

The real person has become confused with the conditioning he has received and his own anger and fear responses. So that beneath the facade of the mass of conflicting emotion there is the real identity.

Hach of us is like a sealed envelope. Our real content is unknown to most others about us- The things which really drive us, our deep fears and desires, are unknown to people quite close to us. They see the outside of the facade but not necessarily all the person underneath. The inner world of our deepest feelings, remains largely inaccessible to others.

We can liken this inner world to a personal territory where no one can enter unless invited as a trusted guest. Yet there is still another, more exclusive, inner territory where absolutely no other person can enter. That is where the real self resides. That is where we need a sense of dignity and unity and freedom from

confusion.

The Japanese have a saying, "A man has a false heart in his mouth for all the world to see, another in his breast to show his special friends and his family, and the real one, the true one, the secret one, which is never known to anyone except himself alone."

Some have said "It is all very well for you to talk about inner unity and a sense of personal worth, but how do I get there? I feel confused, I don't know where I am going any more. I've got problems and I don't know what to do." First let me say that I have known the confusion and the attendant despair and depression in the very core of my being. But because I got out of k, others can, too, and thousands have. No one can teach another. It is only the one who wants change who can effect change. Remember all the work must be done by the one wanting change. In the end we each have to take responsibility for our' selves and find our own individual path.

My reasoning may be acceptable to you so far, but I am not content with generalising and would like to get deeper into the feeling of this important subject; to endeavour to emphasise the central dynamics of a sense of personal worth.

As I have listened Co people talking, I have been repeatedly impressed with the importance given by the individual to his own sense of dignity; what he thinks of himself; how he evaluates himself in relation to the world about him. In other words he is saying "Who and where am I, the real I, in relation to the world about me?" This self emphasis appears in all aspects of memory and feeling- It is basic to sex drives, aggression, guilts or ambitions. Without a sense of personal worth an individual is unsure and uneasy. With a sense of personal worth he can face life confidently.

It is as if each person is saying, "Where am I in this? How do I stand in relation to it?" The self, the I, the me, is always the crucial ingredient in the problem to be faced. To gain self actuahsation, we first need a willingness to change, a desire to be honest with ourselves. We need to be able to examine our thoughts and feelings with objective clarity. To clear away the false facade.

Guntrip in "Personality Structure & Human Interaction" has this to say. "The 'true self has been hidden, practically for a lifetime, behind a 'false self’ constructed on a basis of compliance to the demands and expectations of the outer world. The real dynamic potential of the patient does not operate in the 'false self."

When we quietly look deeply within ourselves and listen with a deep respect to our inner feelings and accept ourselves 'as we are' without a false facade. This is important. We each must accept the concept that "I am just me". No reference to what I was given to understand. No comparison with other peoples' standards. No comparison at all. Just an acceptance of myself as I am. "I am me".

I am a person with a body that feels, sees, smells, tastes and hears and even if one or more of those five senses are missing I can still be a whole and happy personality.

I have noted that when individuals come to accept themselves as they really are, they do so without measurement against outside demands or expectations. They become ready to stand alone in their own right with faith in their own dignity. They take a new confident attitude towards themselves. I would then see a new light gradually appearing in their eyes, and perhaps a statement, "I like being me." I observed that to the degree individuals could place faith in their own identity, they were able to start living with increasing sureness and could cope with stresses as they arrived.

To get down to this real self it is necessary to reject all that is not real. We are trying to get down to the self that has been buried under years of other people's ideas, wishes and demands. We have taken on so much by training or habit which is not really our own. We have been acting out some perverted imprinting like one of Dr. Hess* ducks, hardly knowing why we follow.

It is quite a hard job to effect change deeply within ourselves. But it can begin at once by rejecting the rubbish. Each person has a lot of rubbish to reject, Your rubbish will be different from my rubbish, but rubbish you will have. Some may need to ask themselves "what false standard have I retained concerning my own body. Other people's standards of what is acceptable or not? Do I, man or woman, fully accept my body as good and responsive, or have I put conditions of size or shape or any other demand which cannot be changed in any case?"

We do not have to convince anyone else that they are wrong. It is enough that we have truly listened and found our own truth. We do not have to prove anything, we can reject the pressure to comply with other people's standards.

I have been messing about in boats for years, it comes easy to think in nautical terms. Hence it is natural to think of each of us as in a small sail boat on the sea of life. We have collected a volume of things other people have given us, often with good intentions, so that our boat is seriously over-laden and unprepared to weather a storm or win the race. All the "musts" and "must nots" the "ought to's" and "ought not to's" — the dictates of other people I allow to direct my life instead of directing it myself.

We need to throw overboard all that is not of our own selection. We need to make sure that each thing has a necessary function. We need to lighten the boat to make room to plot our course and sail without tripping over doubtful equipment. There should be only one captain.

Some of the useless concepts we could throw out of our boat to help us enjoy our sailing through life are:—

I. I am not good enough.

2. I am not smart enough.

3. I am not important enough.

4. I am not beautiful enough.

5. I am not capable enough.

6. That the world owes me a living.

7. That I owe the world a living.

8. The instructions of other people, the "you musts"

and "you ought to's-"

All these ideas have been given to us by other people which we may have come to believe or internalise and now tell ourselves repeatedly (self talk).

Mrs E. said "I woke up one morning and looked about the house- There was that old chair that Auntie Mary gave me and the dining room suite that mother chose and the bookcase that came from my mother-in-law's house. But I could not find anything that I had chosen by myself- My whole house was filled with other people's ideas but not my own. Nowhere could I find what I had personally chosen or wanted."

Most of us are more fortunate than Mrs E. in furnishing our homes- Nevertheless we are like her in that we have been living with a lot of other people's ideas. To thoroughly establish our own identity we need to look below the facade of other people's ideas. We need to reject all that is not of 'me' and accept all that is of 'me'.

I have said that it does not come easily and that we shall have to listen with deep respect to our inner feelings. No one can teach another anything- It is the one who wants change who must do all the work. Rogers says "We cannot change, we cannot move away from what we are, until we thoroughly accept what we are. Then the change seems to come about almost unnoticed." No one can present another with personal self regard. We each have to find our own.