Emotional dumping is the unsolicited expression of personal problems and antisocial feelings. Many insist that they are just being honest, they say; "At least others know where I am at. If people are hurt and don't like what has been said. that is their problem".

Dumping is also called 'Sea gulling'. That beautiful raucous bird flies overhead without a care in the world, and drops its excrement on whoever happens to be sunbathing below,

Dumping is like trying to keep the garden clean by putting the rubbish onto the neighbour's property. The question is whether there is any advantage to be gained by dumping. Of course, we should express our feelings including anger and resentments. It is the way we express them which determines whether they will become social adjustments or social irritants.

Some counsellors used to advise their clients to relieve themselves of blame by dumping old grievances onto their parents. Margaret did this by writing a long accusing letter to her mother. The old lady was shocked and became nervous of her daughter. Margaret's letter cast a cloud over the family- On the other hand, Margaret felt excused of responsibility. She could disown her failures. Did Margaret find the best solution to her problem or was she merely dumping?

Jack and Jill were very good at direct confrontation. They would accuse each other vehemently. The neighbours would comment, "They are at it again", "Just being honest", they would reply. But it was always the other one who was to blame. Gradually, the argument would die down with words "I really do love you". The verbal orgasm would often be replaced with a physical one. Jack and Jill were trying to use emotional dumping as a bonding experience. It seemed to provide a level of intimacy which, in turn, created stimulation for the release of affection. They did not seem to know how else to achieve it,

Each human person wishes to gain the best out of life. We all want to experience a full measure of passion and adventure reasonably available to us. How can we deal with our current and stored rubbish and achieve our goals without dumping on those about us?

I have set out four concepts by which to measure the stories briefly told and then to see if we can rewrite the experiences of Margaret and Jack and Jill to find a better answer to their problems.

The Win -Win Principle:

For one to win the other does not need to lose. Both Margaret and Jack and Jill adopted a predator attitude, 'I win, you lose,' Margaret relieved herself of blame by accusing her mother and lost out in family unity. Did she really win or was she merely dumping her own maladjustment? Jack and Jill's relationship finally failed. They could have adopted a win-win attitude and succeeded much better.

Becoming Managing Director:

When we accept full responsibility for ourselves, we each cease regarding ourselves as a victim and appoint ourselves the Managing Director of our own life. No one else can determine our life for us. We will have the power to make changes in the direction we wish to go. Blaming others is a completely negative, unproductive and futile occupation. Just being negative does not advance human understanding. History Is full of people who set out to improve their own lifestyle. We can do the same. 'the secret is, I can change the world by changing myself, I cannot change others,

Giving Away Resentments:

There is an old-fashioned word for this called forgiveness. We often think of forgiveness as something weak, giving in without getting even. Few of us realise that, by getting even, we are in fact perpetuating our own suffering, Lewis and Smade state in their book Forgive and Forget' "You are not thinking clearly when you refuse to forgive ..... Forgiving is the only way to be fair to yourself Getting even is a loser's game .... Forgiving stops the rerun of pain,.,.. When you release the wrong-doer from the wrong ..... You set a prisoner free, but vou discover that the real prisoner was yourself."

The degree of the hurt has a bearing on our ability to forgive. The greater the hurt, the harder it is to forgive. The word 'forgive' has a sense of re-establishing a two way relationship. Often this is not possible. The other person may not he receptive, out of reach or even dead. It is my experience that we can still let go the emotion which is hurting us thus remove its power over us. It is the rerun of the hurt which does the damage. Every' time we recall and relive the hurt and anger, we are reinforcing its power over us. The memory should not and cannot be eliminated. What we should not do is pick up the hurt and associated feelings and hug them to us or give them space to grow. Do not feed them or give them nourishment by dwelling on the hurt and its associated feelings. Just let the emotions subside, they will diminish from neglect. This concept is the core of a successful and happv life. It Is called among other names, personal dignity, self esteem, self worth, self respect and self image. One of America's most highly respected psychotherapists, the late Dr. Carl Rogers, said. "It seems to me that at bottom, each person Is asking, who am I, how can I get In touch with my real self underlying my surface behaviour, how can I become myself"

The Australian aboriginal has something to teach us here. In pre-European times, when a woman became pregnant, her child was understood to be the spirit child of the totem or sacred site near where it was conceived. This gave the child a birthright equal with others to the resources of the area. For all of life, child and adult, he felt part of that locality. His place to stand was acquired by birth and never questioned. His identity was established. It was a fact of his being and belonging.

Like the Australian aboriginal, we each need to thoroughly recognise our own birthright of being a member of our society with equal dignity and self respect. This is our place to stand as equal members of our society. It is not a physical territory but a social territory.

After further therapy, Margaret writes to her mother explaining her new outlook and her desire to re-establish a warm relationship. No more dumping or bitterness. She accepted that both she and her mother equally had a place to stand in their own right and worth. Both now were able to enjoy the relationship.

Jack and Jill sat down and faced each other, eyeball to eyeball, taking turns to listen and understand. Not once did they accuse the other of fault, and that is important. Each spoke only of personal feelings. "I felt confused, glad. angry, afraid, etc. etc." It became a listening rather than a talking occasion. This method of communication provided a much deeper understanding of each other. The worth and respect of each other was preserved. It became a win-win situation, each taking responsibility for him/her self and giving away resentment. Each knew where the other was at. Their lovemaking became a deeply bonding process of trust, tenderness and mutual respect.